A Talk Revisited
by fphp
Summary: Ray and Neela talk about where they stand after what happened in From Here to Paternity. REVISED: longer, more descriptive, slightly different.


6

_Notes: Hi! So this is a revision of "A Talk"—it's longer, more descriptive, and hopefully…better. For those who reviewed the previous version, thanks for the suggestions! This is the day after the kiss, and Neela is walking toward the El after her shift. I sincerely hope you enjoy it, and thanks for reading._

_Disclaimer: ER belongs to…um…anyone but me._

Walking out into the ambulance bay, Neela couldn't help but feel a sense of desolation as she looked up at the dark clouds forming in the late night sky—they seemed to know the kind of day she was having. She had felt lost and disoriented the entire day; her words from ages ago sprang to mind…

"_I'm usually in control of these situations," Neela had said, looking around confusedly._

"_What situations?" he had said with a slight chuckle._

"_I'm usually so organized…"_

And just as she looked up into his eyes, she stopped herself, hurriedly running out of the door. Neela had felt disoriented then and she felt disoriented now—it was all Ray's fault. No one had ever had that sort of effect on her, and it drove her insane. But Ray…there was just something about him. _Stop Neela_, she chided herself. She had spent the entire day trying to forget what it felt like when he gently placed his lips on hers, but the harder she tried, the more difficult it became.

_I need to forget_, she kept telling herself. It had been her mantra all day, and she knew she would have to continue repeating it for the next year for it to actually sink in. _I need to forget Ray…_

"Neela! Neela, wait!" Ray was running to catch up with her, his white coat blazing behind him as he ran.

"Ray…" she said in a slightly surprised tone as she turned around, not knowing what else to say. She was hoping not to run into him today precisely for this reason. She hated awkward moments, and this was sure to be one of them.

"I didn't see you all shift," Ray explained as he stopped next to her. They were standing right in the center of the ambulance bay.

"Yeah…um, it was a really busy day." She couldn't come up with anything better, and she wasn't about to say _"I've been trying to avoid you on purpose."_

_There's that awkward silence_. Neela knew it was coming. She couldn't bring herself to look up at him, so instead she stared down at his shoes. Ray was standing with his arms across his chest, attempting to keep his body warm in the cold Chicago wind that was blowing against their faces.

Making the first move he said, "Neela, I think we need to talk."

"About what?" Neela knew her attempt at ignorance was dishonest and would come off horribly, but it was the only thing she could think to do. She had spent all that time trying to get Ray out of her head, that now when he was standing right in front of her, she had no idea what to say.

"You know what," Ray said, slightly annoyed. Why was she staring down at his shoes? He wanted to see her face, not the top of her head.

"Ray, I…I can't," Neela said, as if those few words would explain everything.

Ray reached his hand underneath her chin and gently lifted it so he could see her face. Just as gently he said, "_Why not?_," emphasizing his words with an unconscious furrowing of his eyebrows.

Neela felt an overwhelming mixture of love and pain swell within her soul as all she could do was gaze into his eyes.

"You have no reason," Ray says matter-of-factly, not daring to lose eye contact now that she was actually looking up at him. He knew this would be a difficult conversation, but he thought Neela would at least have something to say rather than a simple "I can't." It would be much more difficult to convince her if he didn't know her reasons.

"Yes, I do," Neela replied, this time a little defiantly.

"Okay, then tell me, Neela—why not?" He let go of her chin and crossed his arms against his chest again, equally defiant.

Neela hesitated before she started. "…because…of Michael," was all that came out.

The guilt and sadness in her eyes killed him. "Neela, Michael is gone. He wanted you to move on, remember?" Ray placed a hand on her arm as he angled his face toward hers.

"Ray, you…I had feelings for you when I was married to him. How can I then move on—with you?" The look on her face told him that she had been looking for an answer to that question for a very long time now.

"But nothing happened, Neela, that's what you have to remember. You can't beat yourself up for something that never happened." Despite his inward frustration, Ray tried to comfort her. The last time he had tried to comfort her she ended up telling him to stay away, and he couldn't help but feel a sense of dread that she was about to do it again.

"Why would he go back, then, if he knew I loved him? He could see it. And it wasn't your fault—it was mine. He saw it in my eyes, and he left." Neela was fighting back tears, but she wasn't going to let Ray see her cry…not today. She was strong, she had self-control, she was organized…

Ray tried again. "Listen to me, Neela. Michael left because he needed to feel like he was making a difference somewhere. No one knew what was going to happen—he thought he was going to see you again. _It wasn't your fault_." Neela turned her face away as a tiny tear made its way down her cheek, quickly bringing her hand up to wipe it away.

"You and me…it just isn't right, Ray. I don't think it ever will be." The thought killed her, but there was no other way.

The hurt in Ray's eyes instantly turned to jealous fury. "And 'you and Tony' _is_ right? Do you even know what kind of person he is?!" Ray wanted to punch him just at the thought of his hand in hers.

Neela looked up at him, stunned.

"Screwing him isn't going to make you feel any less lonely, Neela." Ray realized what he had said the moment the words came out of his mouth.

The familiar fire in Neela's eyes burned as she looked up at Ray. "Look who's talking, Mr. I-don't-know-the-name-of-the-girl-that's-in-my-bed! At least I have the decency to stick to one guy!" Neela was yelling the same way she did the night she showed up to his gig to tell him off. She couldn't believe he was preaching to her.

"You want to talk about decency? Alright Neela, what about your little make-out session in the conference room, huh? You just couldn't keep your hands off each other, could you?" He was still yelling, his hands flying into the air.

The jealousy and anger in his eyes seemed to engulf Neela. She couldn't believe he had seen her and Tony; the pain in her chest worsened.

"I'm sorry, Ray." For the second time that night, she didn't know what else to say.

Recovering from his outburst, Ray decided to try another route. "No, Neela, look at me—you can't tell me that that kiss meant nothing to you."

"You know it did." _It meant more than you'll ever know_, she thought.

"Then why are you throwing this away?" Ray was yelling again, as if the volume of his words would somehow make them sink in.

At the rise in Ray's voice, Neela's voice automatically went up too. "I don't know what to do! It's like everything I touch falls to pieces—you, Michael, Tony…" Her arms were flying in the exact direction that Ray's arms were flying a few moments ago. Neela's eyes moved to the ground again as another tear was hastily wiped away.

Ray took a deep look at Neela's hunched shoulders, her body seemingly lifeless as she stood before him. He took her into his arms as he said, "No, it doesn't. You…you made me a better person, Neela, do you know that? And Michael wanted to spend the rest of his life with you—doesn't that tell you anything? Tony doesn't deserve you, but it took you for him to realize that he wanted more out of life. You're not responsible for other people's mistakes, Neela."

Neela was talking into his chest; she didn't make any attempt to move. "But what if I hurt you, Ray? What if it doesn't work and then…" She didn't want to finish the thought.

"We'll never know if we don't try." All Ray wanted was a chance—just one chance to show her that this was something _good_.

Neela wriggled out of his grasp as she said, "I can't do this, Ray. I just…I just can't."

Ray's frustration returned, only this time at ten times its previous level. "I always took you for a fighter, Neela, and now you're too scared to even let me hug you? You can't just forget about this!"

"I can try." Neela began slowly inching away from Ray.

"It won't work—I've tried." His eyes said it all.

Neela knew it was a stupid thing to say before it even came out of her mouth. "Maybe you didn't try hard enough…"

No sooner had she finished her sentence than the dark clouds that had formed began unleashing their vengeance. The rain poured down in sheets but Ray and Neela were fixed to their spots, not daring to move.

"It won't work, Neela, it's no use. Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me…….Go on!" He bellowed the words at her.

Neela couldn't look at him.

"You can't do it, can you?" _I knew it_.

"I need to go," was the only response she could give as she turned away from him and began walking. She was completely soaked, her hair sticking to the side of her face.

"Don't walk away……._I LOVE YOU_, _Neela_." He said the words with a force and intensity that made Neela stop in her tracks.

"I always have—I always will. Nothing you do can change that. I don't know what else to say to make you look at me and want to stay." Ray was exhausted, he was cold, and all he wanted at that moment was for Neela to turn around and tell him she loved him too.

Neela turned around, this time not caring whether Ray saw her cry or not. "…I think…that you just said it." It was as if Ray's simple words melted away all of the fear, all of the uneasiness she had felt every time she looked at him.

They were standing ten feet apart, doing nothing but staring at each other while the rain drenched their bodies. In a split second, Neela was running toward him, her hair flying behind her. She jumped into Ray's arms, placing her arms around his neck as he kissed her more passionately than he had ever kissed anyone in his life.


End file.
